


who are you living for?

by InWayTooManyFandoms



Series: i'm just venting out my emotions [3]
Category: N/A - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19835956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InWayTooManyFandoms/pseuds/InWayTooManyFandoms
Summary: the mind is on a mission to find out the meaning of myself.....yeah it's just more angst ngl





	who are you living for?

**Author's Note:**

> lifes been great recently. socialised, revised, cooked. though mine has been a bit lackluster
> 
> anyway ive been feeling again, but heres to writing about the emptiness of myself. you got it! time to empty vent!! lit
> 
> also to the irls i told abt this account; sup, my names maya on here and dont worry abt my health too much. im coping. honestly. now you should both get back to enjoying your break if ur snooping on here! gogo(bebe)
> 
> most of this is just words i spilled on a note, but i tried to make it kinda nice to read? idk, but here's a few months worth of scribbles!

"what time is it?" i mumble into the empty darkness of my bedroom

5:04 AM, my phone greets. light bright in my face

i sigh, arms flopping back to my sides

the hours between 3 AM and 6 AM are like a wandering dream. the street is quiet. people are sleeping. but there are those who lie awake, those who are working, people across the globe

my mind wanders too during these hours. restless. it wanders through thick foliage of unsorted thoughts. lost

it's time for a distraction

i pick my phone back up, opening up a tab. a comic, ironic

30 minutes later, im gone, long vacated my body. absorbed in the story

now tears fall down my face. im feeling, but what is it exactly

right now its from the sadness of this online comic, but thats not it

i try to trace back to where my sadness begins. but i dont know where to start. i knew i was lost before i even began

the tears keep going

fatigue hits me, and sleep wraps around me like a warm hug

i wake not long after, but i dont move from my bed

the clock ticks on

maybe i should eat

and as if i was being pulled under by the tide, i realise why my emotions are out of wack

it clicked. it all clicked

im not living for myself anymore

i sit upright. i look at myself in the mirror. its time to try

later, i go to the studio. i work on a few pieces. im there for 2 hours, but it's enough to make me feel exhausted

i go home. back to comfort and safety of my bedroom

my feet are heavy as i walk

i shouldve eaten

i decide to make most of the day that is left. i wash my body from the day. the day my mind spent at an amusement park, twisting and turning on rollercoasters

now im in a different headspace. not the best one. but better than before. i feel connected to myself again. even if its the tiniest bit

time keeps going, even if i dont feel it. it brushes against me like waves on a beach. i guess thats why its the sands of time. an hourglass spinning forever

infinite time

an hourglass measures time, but its always restored

im emotionally exhausted

.

i panicked the other day. too many people, not enough time

i realised who i truly value

and if i value you, you come first no matter what. you come first, even if it means sacrificing myself

i will do it

for you

.

now i want to cry. maybe its because of the film. maybe its the light of my phone screen in the blackness of the night

all i know is i want to cry

why?

maybe its sadness. maybe it's not

why can't i cry

.

im still waiting to cry

im not comfortable enough around other people to feel. they only know me at my best, i cant let them see me at my worst. what will they think? will they still be by my side? will they make rumors? what if i cant make any new friends? what if it drives people away? what if-

.

note to self:  
youre allowed to feel. You are allowed to Feel. emotions are healthy, and even when you feel nothing? thats okay too

.

why do i want to cry?

its not like im in a bad place

im just overflowing with sadness

its been months now, i havent been able to tap into much else apart from sadness and now its too much. but i cant let it consume me

im back to faking my happiness again until my emotions inevitably flatline

as i reread my words from the start, i think to myself, "am I still living for myself or did I forget along the way?"


End file.
